Ok, so after some rest, I think I am ready to write again. Now I figured out what is wrong with my thought process here. I am at a serious cross in my life, I am on the brink of taking the the second biggest test of my life... and the brink of major serious changes in my life and was well as to my person (I mean seriously, as much as people want to say that they aren't changed by things, they are lying because each situation you go through changes you in some way, it doesn't necessarily have to be bad). I think the reason that I am having mental problems with my boyfriend is because I am scared that he won't fit into my later plans in life. Now that doesnt mean that I don't love him, because I love him so much it isn't even funny. I mean, we grew up in two different settings, have different views on life, everything about us is different beside the fact that we are in love with each other. That is pretty much the only thing we have in common. I love spending time with him, and there are very few people who make me laugh like him. HOWEVER, we don't really have intellectual discussions and he doesnt really mentally challenge me. I am in now way saying he is dumb because he is and extremely intelligent person, but he doesn't really use it (or better yet know how).

But then, he went back home this weekend and I really miss him. He's only been gone for three days and I miss him a lot. After December 20, he is supposed to move back home and I honestly don't know if I can take it. Also, I am not sure if he wants me to stop him. It never hit me until I was in the shower today... he may just need me to tell him that I don't want him to go. I just don't know. I am so confused. I don't want him to go at all, but I think that it would be selfish of me to ask him to stay up here and he can't afford it.

We have been together for three years, and we have had some ups and downs that turned into breaking up for four months. But we understand each other on the deepest levels so much. Everything that I "take issue with" with him is on the outer levels and honestly things that shouldn't matter all that much, but for some reason, I am acting like they do. I still love him so much. He is such a big part of my life, I don't want him to just leave. We're still going to stay together, but I know it is going to be hard... 300 miles away is a lot of distance both mentally and physically. And way, it just hit me how hard this is going to be if he actually decides to go home and I really don't want him to. I want him to stay with me. THERE I SAID IT.