Like I said previously, I have had about 3 blogs over the last four years, but then I get scared that some one is going to find out who I am, or someone that I am crushing on will somehow find it and read it. But I am so through with that. I really don't care anymore. I am writting this to be honest with myself. There is no reason to justify the way that I feel, or why I write things. There is just no reason. Who would I be justifying that to? Some random ass person out there who knows nothing about me except for the fact that I live in CA and write a blog. I mean seriously though.
I have kinda realized something though about myself though. I miss a lot of things in my life just because I am scared that I will either not succeed or I will get turned down. I have not applied for jobs for the fear that I was not qualified enough. I almost didn't go through with applying for law school because I thought who would want me. While writting my personal statement, I realized where this stemmed from. The feeling was so strong... I was sitting at my desk and my face got extremly flushed and I could feel myself almost start to cry.
Every "wierd" or "odd" or "different" facet of my personality stems from...... wait for it.... a bad break up? No.... a missed romantic oppertunity?...NO... my K-8 school??. BINGO. Being the only black chick in a room full of white kids will do something to your mental. I'm telling you. Even with all of the accomplishments I have made... I mean serious accomplishments. I still often feel as though I am not quite enough. Most people who meet me would think that I have all of the confidence in the world because that what you have to make people think in order to survive. Even if it is not true... never let other people know that.
I mean, I don't care that i am different, in fact, I revile in the fact that I know that there is NO ONE, I mean NO ONE who compares to me. Now, there might be females who are smarter than me, or females who are "prettier" than me... but they aren't me. As cocky as that sounds, I don't think it is. I just know what I have and I cool with that. I mean seriously, I have been saying this from 5th grade, I really truely and honestly think that I could have ANY man that I wanted. If they weren't immediatly physically attracted to me.... I could work it another way. I am so unique that men are able to overlook the fact that I look like I am 16. LOL. And that is not saying that I am ugly. In fact, I am quite attractive... however, it is that kind of beauty.... it's not fineness. More to come.. I gotta go to outback.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
OK, so Imma hit on a couple of things here.... first things first.... just started LSAT class is not a joke... I won't have a life until December 3, 2006. So,I figured why not watch as much TV and surf the internet as much as possible in the next week before I can't anymore. These are my findings...
Onto better topics... SURVIVOR. Uh OK. So the black team, yeah wow. Ok. I don't even know what to say about it. They are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they win, the show was rigged, and if they lose, black people are unfit to compete with the rest of the races. Well, the first episode, of course they lost the challenge by a lot because they couldn't put together a boat. Then they voted off thier strongest player/leader. Yeah I don't know what to say.
DANCING WITH THE STARS... Emmitt Smith did SO much better than I thought. He was on the beat and had good footwork. I guess that's the difference between runningbacks (Emmitt) and recievers (Jerry). lol. Vivica did pretty good and so did the no named young black actress. But the best for me was A.C Slater aka Mario Lopez... he was getting it (he didn't look to bad in the tight black outfit either). I can't remember anyone elses dance, so that means it was pretty uneventful. Note: I do know that I only mentioned the ethnic people... but they WERE the best. Oh yeah, Jerry Springer, needs to get off before he hurts himself... he looked like he was about to pass out.
FUTURESEX/LOVESOUNDS... a friend of mine said it was a good album/cd/whatever the hell they are called. Um, I beg to differ. It has 2 good songs, and the rest of them sound like Prince mixed up with Timbaland beats... I didn't like it. My Love and Sexyback are cool... but everything else...I don't know. And then Justin, probably to boost sales, goes on record saying he's done hella drugs and junk... uh who cares dude.
CELEBRITY DUETS: um....they are just a bootleg American Idol... and none of them can really sing, except Alfonso, Jai, and Hal. But I decided to include this because some of the star singers they use are looking bad, namely Jeffery Osborn. As my dad so softly put it... "It looks like Jeffrey did too much of that Crack... that Ni%%a looks old".
DCBlogs: That's a good website for anyone who enjoys reading random people's thoughts about thier lives and the world around them. I especially love the ones about dating mishaps. The best is this one about this gay dude who got dumped over text message... classic!
MYSPACE: My friend randomly Im's me sometimes and tells me to look at people's profiles. This chick we used to know is like myspace slut o the year. NOT COOL
OK Im done cause im distracted by AIM.
Onto better topics... SURVIVOR. Uh OK. So the black team, yeah wow. Ok. I don't even know what to say about it. They are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they win, the show was rigged, and if they lose, black people are unfit to compete with the rest of the races. Well, the first episode, of course they lost the challenge by a lot because they couldn't put together a boat. Then they voted off thier strongest player/leader. Yeah I don't know what to say.
DANCING WITH THE STARS... Emmitt Smith did SO much better than I thought. He was on the beat and had good footwork. I guess that's the difference between runningbacks (Emmitt) and recievers (Jerry). lol. Vivica did pretty good and so did the no named young black actress. But the best for me was A.C Slater aka Mario Lopez... he was getting it (he didn't look to bad in the tight black outfit either). I can't remember anyone elses dance, so that means it was pretty uneventful. Note: I do know that I only mentioned the ethnic people... but they WERE the best. Oh yeah, Jerry Springer, needs to get off before he hurts himself... he looked like he was about to pass out.
FUTURESEX/LOVESOUNDS... a friend of mine said it was a good album/cd/whatever the hell they are called. Um, I beg to differ. It has 2 good songs, and the rest of them sound like Prince mixed up with Timbaland beats... I didn't like it. My Love and Sexyback are cool... but everything else...I don't know. And then Justin, probably to boost sales, goes on record saying he's done hella drugs and junk... uh who cares dude.
CELEBRITY DUETS: um....they are just a bootleg American Idol... and none of them can really sing, except Alfonso, Jai, and Hal. But I decided to include this because some of the star singers they use are looking bad, namely Jeffery Osborn. As my dad so softly put it... "It looks like Jeffrey did too much of that Crack... that Ni%%a looks old".
DCBlogs: That's a good website for anyone who enjoys reading random people's thoughts about thier lives and the world around them. I especially love the ones about dating mishaps. The best is this one about this gay dude who got dumped over text message... classic!
MYSPACE: My friend randomly Im's me sometimes and tells me to look at people's profiles. This chick we used to know is like myspace slut o the year. NOT COOL
OK Im done cause im distracted by AIM.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Ok, so when I meet someone new, regardless of the kind of relationship... friend, co-worker, random person, the issue of music always comes up. No matter who I talk to, when I tell them that my favorite kind of music is JAZZ, most people can't believe it. It doesnt matter if they are young or old... people just can't believe it. Is it because I am a 22 black young woman and I am supposed to like Hip Hop/R&B/Rap? Don't get me wrong, I do listen to those genres, but if I ever had to choose, I would choose Jazz in a second. But why is that so unbelieveable? Jazz; old school John Coltrane and Miles Davis or New School Brian Culbertson and Phillippe Saisse it doesnt matter, that stuff can get it. I mean seriously.
I attribute this to my father. Every Saturday morning, me and my dad would play Miles Davis or John Coltrane for at least four hours. I knew EVERY single note that EVERY single instrument made in EVERY song that either of those two artists made. That seriously taught me alot about music I cannot even explain it. At such a young age, having such complex music being somewhat drilled in your head is a really good thing. I think that allowed me to feel as many different fields of music as possible.
I MUST DIGRESS: I can't figure it out if Jerry Springer just f'ed up or if he actually did good. It was HILARIOUS though. LOL.
I just really need to do a post on Philippe Saisse. I love this white dude... I mean for real. have you ever heard some music that wasn't sad at all, but the complexity of the notes just makes you cry? Yeah, well Philippe Saisse does this to me. I mean seriously, I have sat here in the dark with chills and started crying, not boo-hooing or anything just because what I was hearing was amazing. Yes, when I feel music I FEEL music. In 11th grade, I heard a song on KKSF called, "The Girl With The Bottecelli Eyes". This was some funky fox, so I decided to buy the CD. Some french dude named Philippe Saisse, whatever. So I listen to it and could not put the thing down. I listened to it on the way from school, while playing Tony Hawk 2, I mean all the time. I wanted to see if he had any other records, but being kinda unknown in the US, he didn't have archived records in the stores. OK, I accepted it. Anyway, my freshman year at college, I found his fourth album, "NeXt Voyage" online so I bought it. This was the first time I cried about some music... and not why you would think. I played song 3, Riviera, and it was a song that I had heard in like 8th and was searching for for 5 some odd years. I was so happy number one because I found it, and that the song was from an artist that I liked so long ago. This album too was constantly in my CD player (mp3 players were only for rich people then). A little later that year, I went to the CD exchange where they sell CD's for really cheap. So I was looking for about 2 months in the discount section for his third album, Masques, and I couldnt find it. But one day, I found it on the 99 cent pile. I was so happy, and mad at the same time. One persons trash is anothers treasure. This album was on yahoo, but because they are so rare, they were selling it for like 50 bucks... I wasnt on his jock that much. Didn't quite cry, but was extra happy. OK, last thing. I also found on the campus intranet some other songs from his second album, which I thought was his first, Valerian. So fast forward to my Junior year of college, I had downloaded limewire. I was aware that he had an ablum called Storyteller, but Windham Hill was a bunch of biznitches and took it off the market and it was only sold in Japan. Long story short, I found a song of his, and listened to it, and immediatly started crying. I used to make mix tapes of KKSF when I was in 7th-8th grade and I had this song on there that I had only heard on the radio the one time that I recorded it. When I lost the tape, I was devestated because I loved the song. Turns out, Philippe Saisse made that song too. It was really emotional and I don't think that most people understand and probably think I am crazy. When you are an artist and can feel music as deeply as I do... this stuff touches you. I mean I feel in a way, connected (and not in a crazy way) to Saisse through the music because I have liked all of his music, even when I didn't know it was him. I have every ablum that he has made, except for the ones you can't get in America. He doesnt usually tour in CA, but if he did, I would go anywhere to see the music in person.
Another Side Note: Candy Dulfer's, "For The Love of You" is amazing. I could not believe that something that soulful came from a Scandinavian woman. "Soul" is typically thought to only inhabit Black people and men in particular. But there is one part of that song that gives me goosebumps. Get it white girl!
I attribute this to my father. Every Saturday morning, me and my dad would play Miles Davis or John Coltrane for at least four hours. I knew EVERY single note that EVERY single instrument made in EVERY song that either of those two artists made. That seriously taught me alot about music I cannot even explain it. At such a young age, having such complex music being somewhat drilled in your head is a really good thing. I think that allowed me to feel as many different fields of music as possible.
I MUST DIGRESS: I can't figure it out if Jerry Springer just f'ed up or if he actually did good. It was HILARIOUS though. LOL.
I just really need to do a post on Philippe Saisse. I love this white dude... I mean for real. have you ever heard some music that wasn't sad at all, but the complexity of the notes just makes you cry? Yeah, well Philippe Saisse does this to me. I mean seriously, I have sat here in the dark with chills and started crying, not boo-hooing or anything just because what I was hearing was amazing. Yes, when I feel music I FEEL music. In 11th grade, I heard a song on KKSF called, "The Girl With The Bottecelli Eyes". This was some funky fox, so I decided to buy the CD. Some french dude named Philippe Saisse, whatever. So I listen to it and could not put the thing down. I listened to it on the way from school, while playing Tony Hawk 2, I mean all the time. I wanted to see if he had any other records, but being kinda unknown in the US, he didn't have archived records in the stores. OK, I accepted it. Anyway, my freshman year at college, I found his fourth album, "NeXt Voyage" online so I bought it. This was the first time I cried about some music... and not why you would think. I played song 3, Riviera, and it was a song that I had heard in like 8th and was searching for for 5 some odd years. I was so happy number one because I found it, and that the song was from an artist that I liked so long ago. This album too was constantly in my CD player (mp3 players were only for rich people then). A little later that year, I went to the CD exchange where they sell CD's for really cheap. So I was looking for about 2 months in the discount section for his third album, Masques, and I couldnt find it. But one day, I found it on the 99 cent pile. I was so happy, and mad at the same time. One persons trash is anothers treasure. This album was on yahoo, but because they are so rare, they were selling it for like 50 bucks... I wasnt on his jock that much. Didn't quite cry, but was extra happy. OK, last thing. I also found on the campus intranet some other songs from his second album, which I thought was his first, Valerian. So fast forward to my Junior year of college, I had downloaded limewire. I was aware that he had an ablum called Storyteller, but Windham Hill was a bunch of biznitches and took it off the market and it was only sold in Japan. Long story short, I found a song of his, and listened to it, and immediatly started crying. I used to make mix tapes of KKSF when I was in 7th-8th grade and I had this song on there that I had only heard on the radio the one time that I recorded it. When I lost the tape, I was devestated because I loved the song. Turns out, Philippe Saisse made that song too. It was really emotional and I don't think that most people understand and probably think I am crazy. When you are an artist and can feel music as deeply as I do... this stuff touches you. I mean I feel in a way, connected (and not in a crazy way) to Saisse through the music because I have liked all of his music, even when I didn't know it was him. I have every ablum that he has made, except for the ones you can't get in America. He doesnt usually tour in CA, but if he did, I would go anywhere to see the music in person.
Another Side Note: Candy Dulfer's, "For The Love of You" is amazing. I could not believe that something that soulful came from a Scandinavian woman. "Soul" is typically thought to only inhabit Black people and men in particular. But there is one part of that song that gives me goosebumps. Get it white girl!
After I graduated college in May, well back up, back up, back up. Since about January 2006, I was missing on AIM, i mean for real. I stopped putting my pictures up on thefacebook (which by the way has gotten completly out of hand, who needs to know when I became friends with anyone or if I have recent activity??- not a member anymore) anyway... oh yeah, and had a blank page on myspace just to look how messed up some of the people from high school turned out. But anyway, upon returning to AIM in around August, I realized that you really do miss certain things. For instance, one of my friends messaged me and was like, "oh, I didn't have your number, but (ex-boyfriend who we shall call Grimey) messaged me on myspace and told me to tell you to check your messages. So I checked my myspace, and looked at his page and was like, "um ew". I mean dude was borderline grimey in highschool, but now, it's just like WOW. He looked hella gross, and had a old ass baby and stuff. It was just like, EW, did I really go out with him? I am SO happy I didn't relate him cuz I would regret that mess so much.
While looking disgustedly at his page that had semi-porno pictures of him on it ( you know the kind that a person takes of themselves in front of the mirror and the color is like hella off), and like there was just pictures of girl ass and happy trails and stuff and it was gross. I started thinking why the hell did I go out with this dude? I mean seriously. It is just amazing how much you could really like someone in 2000, but then be disgusted by them in 2006. I mean appaled.
Then that got me thinking about other past boyfriends/people I've talked to (7), I am now ashamed of two, which isn't bad. I mean seriously though, I was ashamed of my senior year boyfriend during and while, but this junior year one with the semi-porn myspace, I mean I was just so ashamed that I actually thought highly of him. Yes, I know people change and people's opinions changed, but I can't believed that I have changed that much and that I used think that people with no aims in life but to have sex and produce children and whose email address is sexualenergy or something corny like that is OK. Oh man, that was a long vent. Oh yeah, and the other one I'm ashamed of just smelled and he didn't take regular baths, so hells yeah I was ashamed of him, I mean come on!
Everyone else actually served a constructive purpose, so you can't be mad at them, or ashamed. You know.... Ok rant is over. Imma finish watching Dancing with the Stars, right after I write a quick music thing.
While looking disgustedly at his page that had semi-porno pictures of him on it ( you know the kind that a person takes of themselves in front of the mirror and the color is like hella off), and like there was just pictures of girl ass and happy trails and stuff and it was gross. I started thinking why the hell did I go out with this dude? I mean seriously. It is just amazing how much you could really like someone in 2000, but then be disgusted by them in 2006. I mean appaled.
Then that got me thinking about other past boyfriends/people I've talked to (7), I am now ashamed of two, which isn't bad. I mean seriously though, I was ashamed of my senior year boyfriend during and while, but this junior year one with the semi-porn myspace, I mean I was just so ashamed that I actually thought highly of him. Yes, I know people change and people's opinions changed, but I can't believed that I have changed that much and that I used think that people with no aims in life but to have sex and produce children and whose email address is sexualenergy or something corny like that is OK. Oh man, that was a long vent. Oh yeah, and the other one I'm ashamed of just smelled and he didn't take regular baths, so hells yeah I was ashamed of him, I mean come on!
Everyone else actually served a constructive purpose, so you can't be mad at them, or ashamed. You know.... Ok rant is over. Imma finish watching Dancing with the Stars, right after I write a quick music thing.
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