Like I said previously, I have had about 3 blogs over the last four years, but then I get scared that some one is going to find out who I am, or someone that I am crushing on will somehow find it and read it. But I am so through with that. I really don't care anymore. I am writting this to be honest with myself. There is no reason to justify the way that I feel, or why I write things. There is just no reason. Who would I be justifying that to? Some random ass person out there who knows nothing about me except for the fact that I live in CA and write a blog. I mean seriously though.

I have kinda realized something though about myself though. I miss a lot of things in my life just because I am scared that I will either not succeed or I will get turned down. I have not applied for jobs for the fear that I was not qualified enough. I almost didn't go through with applying for law school because I thought who would want me. While writting my personal statement, I realized where this stemmed from. The feeling was so strong... I was sitting at my desk and my face got extremly flushed and I could feel myself almost start to cry.

Every "wierd" or "odd" or "different" facet of my personality stems from...... wait for it.... a bad break up? No.... a missed romantic oppertunity?...NO... my K-8 school??. BINGO. Being the only black chick in a room full of white kids will do something to your mental. I'm telling you. Even with all of the accomplishments I have made... I mean serious accomplishments. I still often feel as though I am not quite enough. Most people who meet me would think that I have all of the confidence in the world because that what you have to make people think in order to survive. Even if it is not true... never let other people know that.

I mean, I don't care that i am different, in fact, I revile in the fact that I know that there is NO ONE, I mean NO ONE who compares to me. Now, there might be females who are smarter than me, or females who are "prettier" than me... but they aren't me. As cocky as that sounds, I don't think it is. I just know what I have and I cool with that. I mean seriously, I have been saying this from 5th grade, I really truely and honestly think that I could have ANY man that I wanted. If they weren't immediatly physically attracted to me.... I could work it another way. I am so unique that men are able to overlook the fact that I look like I am 16. LOL. And that is not saying that I am ugly. In fact, I am quite attractive... however, it is that kind of beauty.... it's not fineness. More to come.. I gotta go to outback.